what do you want from me? why don't you run from me?

[finalem]

Comments

[ritualize]

( jules scampered off to class a while ago, throwing on clothes and spraying a truly heinous amount of men's body spray onto himself in lieu of enough time for a shower and sent on his merry way with two kisses and a pinch and a slap to his cute ass respectively and — it's long past the time that van would usually take his leave, too, returning to his own shared dorm room to sleep some more, freshen up before his afternoon classes, but.

but today he doesn't, for some inexplicable reason. he's fine where he is, laying in jules's bed and scrolling mindlessly through his instagram feed. a quick glance over his shoulder shows that the girl beside him is doing much of the same, and — locking his phone and setting it aside, he turns to face her, to ... scoot closer to her, even, chin resting against her shoulder and his eyes round as ever as he peers down at her screen instead, his natural pout deepening. )

Essie, ( he murmurs, the epitome of a cat that really fucking wants some attention, the tip of his nose bumping against her cheek. then, some combination of a whine and an exasperated groan: ) Essie.

[finalem]

[ essie hadn't expected any of this when she transferred schools. it was nice of jules to look out for her after what happened at her old school, long after they had agreed to split due to the distance. she had seen that he was with someone else and it was fine, didn't create any sort of ache in her heart. maybe the thought of how sweet jules was had remained dormant until the opportune moment. maybe there was something about seeing him with someone just as handsome and the tension that followed. it was inevitable that she and van would be spending all this time together, whether it be for class or this boy who was once hers.

the rest just happened and she found himself back with now not-straight jules and his boyfriend. the physical and emotional closeness is healing, in a way, since the girls from her first college had broken her down more than she thought. she once loved jules, and maybe falling for him again would factor in the person who helped him evolve a little bit. it's undeniable that it feels good whenever they decide to share more than they often do. college is meant for experimentation and time is precious and surely they can expedite exhausting their boyfriend by sharing the space.

but it's rarely about the two of them though god knows how well they move together in the studio and in bed. after the goodbye kisses, she's returned to bed after cleaning herself up a little, not bothering to tame her curly hair and donning one of jules's ringer shirts with nothing else, comfortable as she settles in for a glance at her calendar and a scroll through her friends' stories. and that's when van decides to snuggle in, which only makes her raise her eyebrows. ]

What? [ but she doesn't sound annoyed, in fact quite fond as she turns to peer down at him and swipes away the stories. ]

[ritualize]

( van is ... as surprised as anyone that things have turned out between the three of them the way that they have — perhaps even more so considering the lengths he'd gone to drive essie away when she'd first transferred here, wanting literally nothing more than for her to leave the school or, more specifically, leave jules's life again, a grudge harbored before he'd even laid eyes on her in person.

essie fucking ko, he'd practically spit, furiously scrolling through jules's tagged photos, making himself more and more angry the more he thought about why jules didn't untag himself, why he didn't unfriend her, why he didn't remove her from his life entirely. essie fucking ko is beautiful — gorgeous, even, with enviable, vibrant curls — and the two of them look so happy in all of their pictures. essie fucking ko is also, obviously, a girl. she represents just about everything that van does not, represents an easy relationship without confusion over sexualities and the mere possibility of a judging family, a path to what jules could do, maybe even should do.

maybe he never really hated essie fucking ko at all. maybe it was always just about his own jealousy and — worse than that, his own insecurities. not that he'll ever admit that.

leave it to jules tan to do the exact opposite of what van expects and say fuck it all and find himself with a boyfriend and a girlfriend. leave it to van to do the unexpected, too, finding himself shockingly okay with the fiery chemistry between he and essie onstage when they dance, his so-called hatred morphing into panting and heatedly kissing maybe the softest pair of lips he's ever kissed, tasting her strawberry lip gloss onstage — finding himself shockingly okay with the concept of sharing. maybe it's because essie brings something a little more grounded to their relationship, tempering jules and van's fires as they inevitably clash, tempering van's giant fucking ego.

it's weird for him, the warmth that bubbles up in his chest when essie meets his gaze, the soft smile that curves onto his mouth. he drapes an arm over her middle, curls his fingers into the fabric of jules's shirt and props himself up on his forearm so he can lean down and press a kiss against her mouth, soft and maybe even a little sweet. )

Hi.

[finalem]

[ this was the product of a lot of handwringing, half-finished sentences, and finally forced communication from essie because she couldn't stand hanging in limbo. if this wasn't going to work, she would bow out since she had done so in the beginning and it would have been fine. but thankfully, injecting some sensibility into the equation did them all some good. maybe it will end up being as unhealthy as she feared in the long run, but after being broken down piece by piece, she won't turn away the constant flow of affection and feelings of acceptance. any drama whittles down to petty arguments. and she and van – well, this is beyond a mutual agreement now.

she likes him, is even thankful for how much he pushed jules to acknowledge and sharpen the hidden qualities about himself that they couldn't have possibly seen in high school. she feels challenged by him in the studio, having been hazed in a ... more productive way than her old school. there's no excusing the meanness from before, but it's in the past now.

now, she's kissing him back, the two of them lazy and basking in the aftermath of what they had just done, not quite partners but further from rivals than before. it's strangely saccharine, the way he kisses her, different from the way they usually kiss when they're in the heat of the moment. with a soft giggle, she places her phone on jules's desk and turns her head to look at him properly, lifting her hand to push his hair away from his eyes. ]

What, you miss him already? [ she teases, wrinkling her nose. ]

[ritualize]

( cue van wrinkling his nose quite disdainfully in return, tipping his chin up to peer down skeptically at essie while she toys with his messy, faded bangs of some light, unidentifiably murky color. ) No, I do not. ( except he says it a little too quickly, sounds a little too defensive.

so maybe he'll grin a little sheepishly, as though he's not very obviously someone who's borderline obsessed with their boyfriend, admit, ) Okay, maybe a little.

( but he props himself up a little higher, brackets her with his hands on either side of her while his lower half stays stubbornly laying against the mattress, lazy after some good morning sex, and he tips his head to the side quizzically, sounding faux-offended. ) What, am I not allowed to just feel like kissing you? ( and maybe to be his usual contrarian self, he leans in for another kiss, giving her lower lip a teasing nip with his teeth before lapping over it gently to soothe the dull sting, stealing another smooch because that obviously helps everything. )

[finalem]

[ essie is about to fix a discerning glare on him but van eventually relents which has her smiling again. she can't deny a little bit of cuddling and aftercare after sex, even if she would typically leave after a few moments to catch her breath, preferably to clean up, change into a fresh set of clothes. but jules's shirts are comfortable and apparently so is van's embrace. interesting.

she kisses back deliberately, threading her fingers through the shorter hairs above the nape of his neck, keeping him there above her. it is nice. and he is a good kisser. ]

He's not naturally a cuddler, [ she sighs against his mouth, ] isn't that terrible?

[ritualize]

Just awful, ( van agrees with a dramatic roll of his eyes, tipping his chin to kiss her again before more words decide that they want to leave him, his lips brushing against hers as he speaks, a little silly. ) I don't know why we put up with his bullshit.

( as though there aren't at least thousands of reasons why, some shallower than the rest and some that make van's heart feel like it's going to burst right out of his chest in a way that feels just as horrible and incomprehensible as it sounds. usually he has a far easier time saying questionably mean things to jules's face than he does behind his back, but considering present company, the way her delicate fingers slide so easily through his hair, he feels oddly at ease.

maybe he'll just nose against her cheek a little, trail featherlight kisses along her jaw, his hand letting go of her shirt so it can settle on her hip, fingertips brushing gently against her bare skin. ) You didn't answer my question.

( maybe he just wants to Know. )

[finalem]

Aha.

[ the kisses are distracting and essie is frequently easily distracted, lacking much of that hyperfocus that jules has always possessed and has tried to help her with since they were a little younger. they'd turn off their phones and face away from the television and sometimes each other when doing homework, though eventually, they would find themselves intertwined again.

she hums happily, letting him kiss her, her jaw and her chin, the touch unfamiliar but unusual nonetheless. ]

There's nothing wrong with that. I'm just surprised you want to at all, [ essie confesses with a little shrug of her shoulders, not really pressing the matter, but speaking her mind as she often does. ]

[finalem]

[ perhaps the essie last summer would have scoffed at such at such a thing, the idea of finding solace in an anime of all things. but she is pretty grateful to ed, al, and winry late.y it had a difficult school year, not for academic reasons, but for feeling unsettled, as if someone was going to pull the rug out from beneath her at any second. her friends and the dance team hadn't suspected a thing and it was business as usual. beneath it all, she had quietly panicked over the waves of disliking her friends, confused that she would even feel this way. she had been popular since middle school, had been confident that she would have a circle of friends to fall back on when they entered high school – surely something was wrong with her.

of course, like many seventeen-year-olds, essie hadn't thought to address it, stewing quietly with each house party and post-competition gathering. it was on a rare weekend browing her streaming options when she finally clicked on a show she had been eyeing for weeks. it took her about a month to speed through both versions of the anime, even staying up late to catch a little more.

that was for nerds, she thought. not for her. not for girls like her who cared too much about social status. after months of reading up on meta and scrolling silently through threads and threads of chatter, fanart, and – gasp – even taking on some fanfiction herself, she finally bought her first ticket to the convention in july. there wasn't any time to throw together anything special though the prospect of cosplay interested her. she did throw on a winry shirt she had been wearing to bed, tying it around her waist to expose her midriff, and hurried to catch the bus before her parents could ask her any further details.

the convention center is big, with glass panels filling the space with light. she's overwhelmed and nervous and thrilled all at once, marveling at the visitors, the booths, wishing she knew more as she clutches her pass and map. there's artist alley over there but there's a panel that should be in this hall and ... yes! she's found the line and, checking her phone ( pointedly ignoring tests from her friends ), she bites her glossy pink lip and looks around nervously. ]

Hey! [ she flashes a little smile at the boy standing in front of her, tapping him on the shoulder. ] What panel are you waiting for? [ or, wait, is this the line to try a new video game?? ]

[yesterweek]

[ It had been a little different for Calvin, because Calvin had never been one of the cool kids. He'd been living in the US so long that he couldn't remember his brief childhood stint in Korea that well (something him and his brother Joseph had experienced, but his youngest siblings Katie and Mattie hadn't), but he could clearly remember his struggle to make friends on his first day in kindergarten.

A cultural and language barrier could be blamed on his early struggles, though at this point Calvin has to concede defeat and accept that he might just be kind of awkward.

That's the beautiful thing about conventions like this one, however. Most of the people there are some level of awkward, or at least a good number of them are. There's never been a huge amount of judgement for him and his handful of close friends when they step through those doors and are greeted by a massive throng of people who share their interests, as well as their struggles to comfortably settle into the world out there.

Now of course not every convention goer falls under the typical umbrella of awkward nerd who is teased by many of their peers, but it does make Calvin feel a little better to just default assume everyone is in the same boat as him. There's a feeling of bonding with all of these strangers if they're all on the same playing field.

So when he turns around and sees a pretty girl standing behind him asking what panel he's in line for, Calvin is already assuming she's a lot like him in some ways. Maybe a little luckier in that she's very obviously conventionally attractive, but there are all kinds of cute girls into anime. They're usually the ones in some of the best cosplay, something that Calvin usually opts to avoid thanks to his lack of sewing skills, and his even bigger lack of income in order to purchase ones people are selling online.

She seems like she's doing some kind of dressed down cosplay though, which is cute. ]

Huh?

[ His face lights up as he points to the door in front of him. ]

Oh! No! I mean, it's not really a panel. It's a first screening to a show that's being released in the fall. I mean, the first season is already out in Japanese, so I've watched it online with subs, but it got licensed over here recently.

[finalem]

[ there's still a little voice in her head that whispers, you shouldn't be here, but she tries to shake it off. she's spent her good money on a ticket, she's put together an outfit and a look to suit the day, she's at least going to try to last a few hours before even considering throwing in the towel.

so, of course, she messes up the second she gets in line for something. but essie will not be deterred! especially since the line seems pretty long and now she suddenly doesn't want to lose this precious spot. ]

Oh, [ she finally responds, her lips forming an 'o' long after the word leaves her mouth. speaking more to herself than this stranger in front of her, ] Honestly, that's fine! I didn't really know where to start anyway and I seriously didn't expect the crowd to be this big. I mean, pretty big but not this big.

[ she gasps suddenly, remembering him. ] Wait, you said you watched it already? How?

[yesterweek]

[ There's a lot in that response that he can honestly say he didn't expect to hear from an attendee here. The lack of realization of scale, the not knowing what lines are for, and the fact that she's surprised he was maybe not so legally streaming a show. Admittedly, that's how Calvin watches most things given his tight budget, and his parents being less than enthused on him spending it on too many streaming services.

Especially because when he does save up money, he likes to spend it like this.

He smiles uncertainly, not sure how to begin addressing all of this here, he's never actually initiated someone into the con world before, so he doesn't really want to screw it up and chase someone out of the hobby. ]

Your first anime con?

[ He looks down the length of the line, trying to do a rough estimate of the people ahead of them, knowing what the room's size is from past trips here. ]

We'll definitely have plenty of seats left by the time we get in, but you get pretty good at telling when a panel or screening is going to be too packed to have chairs after a little bit.

[ Now as for that question... ]

And I guess you've never watched a fansub before?

[finalem]

[ essie almost asks 'is that obvious?' but, uh, it kind of is since she's asking so many questions and she just knows how bewildered she must look compared to literally everyone else milling about this queue. there's a word for what she is feeling right now but it doesn't immediately come to mind as she considers hobbies and fandom circles and wanting to feel like she belongs to something, not simply coasting through life.

perhaps this is a place to which she can tether herself. she just needs to stop being too much in her own head.

for a second, she wants to lie, laugh it off like she knew it already, but it's far too late for that. besides, no one really knows her here anyway. so, essie shakes her head, worrying her lip between her teeth. ]

No. I just – um. I just kinda started watching on Netflix, actually. I thought I'd check this convention out.

[yesterweek]

[ As that feeling hits Essie, a different one hits Calvin at the same time. It's a feeling like he is the one in the know, the in crowd who has a chance to welcome a new recruit to something. Not like he's the uncool nerd at school who people make jokes about behind his back, but someone who actually knows something worth listening to.

It's a little invigorating, and while snobby gatekeeping is certainly one (very shitty) approach to someone so new to the hobby, it's never been Calvin's style.

Essie has lucked out with this guy, because there's no judgement on his face as he responds-- ]

Oh cool! What series did you check out there?

[finalem]

[ her eyes go wide and she stifles that little voice in the back of her head that reminds her of all those twitter gatekeepers making sure people like her wouldn't find their not-so-secret hobby. with a smile, she inhales deeply ... and exhales in a rush of words, things she has been dying to say out loud to somebody. looks like this boy in front of her in line is the perfect candidate for that. ]

Gosh, so I was looking for something to watch on Netflix, right? And I saw this show Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, so I put it in my queue, [ essie continues rambling, animated and bouncy as she starts to essentially tell this stranger her life story. ] And finally I was just like, oh screw it, and I started watching it. I totally paused and suddenly it was midnight and I was ten episodes in. Totally hooked.

[ she tosses her curly red hair over her shoulder for effect. ]

It's so good! I thought, oh, it's a cartoon, like, it's for kids, right? But wow, it's so dark. It was kind of like watching Harry Potter. Not that it's the same thing but it's just a huge universe, you know? So, I watched that, then the live action one? It was weirdly inaccurate but the guy who played Ed was so cute. [ her giggles taper off and she covers her mouth with both pink manicured hands. ]

Sorry, that's a lot.

[yesterweek]

[ He can't say much for the guy who plays Ed, but it doesn't take long for Calvin to realize how cute Essie herself is. Honestly, it was obvious the minute he turned around to see her, but the whole bubbly vibe she's giving off mixed with the enthusiasm goes a long way.

He's going to have to make a huge effort towards not looking like a complete loser and putting his foot in his mouth...

Like he usually does.

His nodding is just a little too enthusiastic at first though, so he tries to dial it back and overshoots to something that's barely visible at all. When he clears his voice to talk, he also pitches his voice just a little bit lower than he did when he first started talking to her. ]

Yeah, I mean there's a lot of cool series like that out there. Lots of anime isn't really meant for kids. There's tons of stuff meant for people our age, and even older than that.

[ Even beyond the whole hentai stuff, but maybe don't mention anime porn to the cute girl, Calvin? Just don't... ]

And if you're into Harry Potter it's pretty easy to find merch and fanart for it in the dealer's room and artist alley.

[finalem]

[ normally, she has a pretty good eye for the things boys do around girls they think are pretty. but essie is so caught up in the tale of how she decided to become an Anime Fan that she misses the drop in his voice entirely and just ends the whole story breathless and embarrassed. briefly, she covers her mouth with both hands before slowly dropping them to rest at her sides. ]

Oh, n-no, [ she protests with a wrinkle of her nose. that would only be a distraction today, okay. ] I don't need to look at Potter stuff here. I mean, that's cool though. I'm more like.

[ thoughtfully, essie rubs her lips together as if evening out the lipgloss on her bottom lip. ]

Looking for the next thing to just throw myself into! You know? I mean, other than watching the original, uh, 2003 series? Which is kind of weird to watch since I watched the older one first. So that's why I'm excited to see this screening. And since you seem like you liked it, maybe? That's a good sign.

[yesterweek]

[ Calvin isn't exactly Mr. Subtle either, but it's likely she'll eventually catch on. The longer she spends around him, the more chances Calvin has to stumble and make himself look like a fool. If there's one thing that Calvin is great at, it's making himself look like an idiot.

The overly enthusiastic nodding at what she's saying continues, like this is somehow so interesting, despite it just being her explaining she wants to find some new things to watch. ]

Yeah! I get that! I mean like I really get that, and this one is pretty good. I mean, I have good taste in things, so I could probably recommend a bunch of stuff in general.

[ He watches a lot of questionable things too, but he's at least self-aware enough to know not to recommend shows that are more fanservice than plot. ]

[finalem]

[ she's honestly grateful for the in with the drama department at her university. all it takes is the flutter of her lashes and the mousy keeper of the costumes has allowed essie ko to borrow a charming mid 19th century gown, beige with red flowers, black lace lining her decolletage. the rose pins in her shocking ginger hair are a nice touch, especially since essie sees no reason to blend in. her hair and makeup aren't historically accurate but she supposes nice korean-american girls weren't wearing such clothes at this time.

the historical halloween performance and party at the old manor just off campus was far too tempting, especially since she can't turn down a good show and a chance to put on a costume, especially most of her dancewear is spandex and holo and she never gets a chance to gussie up like this.

somehow she's managed to coax her boyfriend to come with her, the two of them making a ( frankly ) smokin' pair even if essie is keen to remain on the outside of the crowd, chatting occasionally between the nosh and the drinks. she's feeling bold again, sliding lace gloved hand into his and leaning in awfully close to brush her lips against his ear. ]

Ballroom's getting kinda stale. Wanna look around?

[finalem]

Cool, I'll just follow you then! And your lead!

[ essie only means the recommendations and series screening, for now, but this is going to change the second the screening is over and she is left rudderless once more. perhaps she is too trusting but she has a good feeling about this guy. she had caught a few things posted online about things to be wary of at conventions – none that she had taken to heart of course, but creepy guys can be found anywhere.

she takes a deep breath, feeling a lot less burdened now that she has confessed to someone that she doesn't have much fandom credibility but wants to. ]

Oh. What's your name? I'm Essie.

[ and that gets her to perk up once more with a head tilt, toss of her hair, and a tiny wave. ]

[yesterweek]

[ Creepy guys can absolutely be found anywhere, but with a cute girl following him around Calvin will keep any of his creepy tendencies down to a minimum. Which is to say, if Essie follows him into the dealer's room or artist's alley he won't be buying any porn like he usually does. It's a little bit of a bummer, but there's absolutely no way he's going to let on that he even knows what porn is to this girl, regardless of how unbelievable that might be.

Trying not to look like a pervert won't do anything to make Calvin less awkward though. That's just how he is at all times, and it cannot be helped.

He might look like both a little right now with how transfixed he looks at something as simple as a hair toss, before he snaps himself out of it and clears his throat. ]

Yeah. I mean, Calvin. My name is Calvin. It's good to meet you.

[finalem]

[ the all-important toss over the shoulder is one move that essie has perfected even if she isn't exactly aware of what she's doing most of the time. in this case, it's merely to get her hair off her shoulders.

with that said, it is entirely normal to sometimes see essie ko toss her hair in slow motion. ]

Calvin! [ she parrots to remember his name. there's more she wants to say/ask but the line has begun moving a lot faster which only makes her gasp in delight and take his elbow as she follows the others into the screening room. ]

Ooh, I'm excited.

[yesterweek]

[ It's like for once Calvin is able to live the teen movie experience, instead of just being a background character watching everyone else have a good time.

And yes, while his poison of choice might be anime, it's not like Calvin has gone full weeb and refuses to consume other forms of media.

None of them actually adequately prepared him for how to deal with cute girls grabbing onto him though, and he does a valiant job trying to fight off the blush that's slowly creeping onto his cheeks. ]

Huh?

[ For the screening, not because she met him. Of course. Duh. Obviously... ]

Yeah! It's going to definitely be pretty cool. You'll like it.

[finalem]

[ maybe someday in the future, looking back, essie's rose-colored memories might add a bangin' pop-punk soundtrack over this exact meeting. but for now, all she can hear is the buzzing of weebs and calvin's voice just barely reaching her over the din. ]

Thanks. I totally appreciate the help. And company!

[ being a girl who doesn't quite know how to be alone, she's really is immensely grateful, visibly less nervous as they enter the screening hall together.

immediately, staff hand them totebags and posters and essie is delighted, taking two and handing one off to calvin. ] These are super cute. I didn't know they, like, handed out swag.

[yesterweek]

[ Calvin can appreciate that. While he doesn't mind wandering into portions of the convention by himself, he does come here every year with friends for a reason. It's actually kind of lucky for him that he decided to peel off for a bit for this screening, because as much as he likes his equally nerdy friends, he'd like vying for Essie's attention with them a lot less.

As it is they're going to hunt him down again at some point, and Calvin will still have to deal with it. Might as well enjoy the short lived fantasy of meeting a cute girl at a convention while it briefly and beautifully lasts.

He's definitely charmed by the excitement over stuff he finds normal at this point, and grins as he looks down at the tote he was handed. ]

Yeah, if you go to the right panels they'll hand out tons of free stuff as promotions.